I apparently had forgotten what Jesus said in Matthew 7:6—either that or I always act (am) based on the best possible outcome. Unfortunately-fortunately, though, that is not going to change (because I don’t want to change that :3). However, I will keep in mind to not throw my pearls before swine again…
Long story short, I created a certain account to share my insights on OCD recovery (based on my personal experience) within a recovery-focused group. But it seems like I wasn’t very welcome in that space, since my comments got removed. Thank God (literally, I am actually super thankful), though, that I only posted two (multiple-paragraph, well-thought-out, invested-hours-on-it) comments before I felt this sudden urge to step away from this platform. All of this happened in the span of like a week, by the way (yes, I change very fast). I’m writing this just after logging into this account after a few days of inactivity to extract an (genius, if I may say so myself ;3) excerpt from one of my comments, only to find out that my comments had been removed (though I, the poster, was thankfully able to see them).
Okay, the story’s getting long. The point is: here’s one of the comments (I already took what I needed out of the other one and added that to my ERP/EDB blog post). No, I am not insulting this specific community or any of its members by quoting the above Bible verse. What I say is “controversial”, and that doesn’t stop me from sharing the truth I know I wanted to hear years ago that no one shared with me. If there is someone out there, even if it were only one person, experiencing a situation similar to the one I had back then, I want them to have access to this self-help resource. And a reminder to myself: be wise when choosing where to share your truth; most are not ready to receive new ideas, so create your own space to share with those that are open to shifting the paradigm.
The comment:
Hello! Personally, I have dealt with many different OCD subtypes, so maybe some of what I share with you in this comment serves you.
First, it surprised me to read what the therapist you worked with said (that it’s not a big deal and that it’s fine as long as you don’t cheat), as this is giving reassurance (and, as we know, that does not support OCD recovery). Arguing with OCD (“This isn’t going to happen…”) is futile because OCD’s reasoning is flawed (“But what if it does?”). OCD aims to eradicate POSSIBILITY—and any possibility, out of the infinite scenarios the mind can come up with, cannot be eradicated! There is no 100% certainty. But one “creates the certainty”—that is, one embodies inner safety (through thinking, feeling, and behaving). I think it is important for me to mention inner safety, since you said the validation-seeking habit stemmed from insecurity (absence of outer safety).
I would encourage you to communicate your ROCD experience as it is to your boyfriend. OCD selectively latches onto what is important to us, and it has latched onto your relationship because it is important to you. You deeply care about your partner and the bond you two have, but this fear is interfering with how your partnered life and your personal life is unfolding. Together, see if you can reframe the boundary you have set within your relationship—focus on what you DO want, instead of on what you don’t want.
Focusing on what you don’t want is like when someone tells you (or you tell yourself) not to think about something and you end up thinking about it more. Since OCD is expressing itself through the fear of betraying your partner, the possibility of breaking this boundary is being interpreted as dangerous by your mind-body, even though it’s a possibility (not physically manifested).
On the other hand, focusing on what you DO want is allowing what you want to unfold (being “normal”). For example, with your boyfriend, set the intention that you will both channel your attractiveness exclusively toward each other—this way, you gain clarity on what to pay attention to. Framing my desires in this way (allow instead of avoid) has made a huge improvement in my overall life because I can direct my attention to doing what I want to do (being who I want to be), as opposed to not giving my full attention to doing what I want to do by directing it to what I don’t want to do.
You have set the intention to change the validation-seeking habit, letting your boyfriend know as well. Unfortunately or fortunately (however one chooses to see it), all possibilities exist—yes, it is possible to break the relationship boundary you have set, just like anything is. It’s also possible for you to be a “normal” person.
I understand where you’re coming from, having dealt with Hyperawareness OCD myself. The truth is that acceptance is the way to get to where you want to be: to get to a place where you aren’t hyperaware of your actions and feel the recurring anxiety, while also not repeating the validation-seeking habit. Again, here, I invite you to reframe your goals as what you DO want, instead of what you don’t want. You have mentioned what you don’t want, but what do you want? What does being a “normal” person mean to you? I put “normal” in quotation marks because it means different things to different people.
You mentioned that you don’t have access to therapy at the moment. What worked for my individual case (made my recovery long-term) is to practice unstructured ERP in my daily life: to embody my desired identity, to be the person I want to be right here and right now. I invited you to reframe your goals so that you have the clarity required for this (ideally, use “I am” statements). Then, you can think-feel-behave according to who you want to be. This is how I approached OCD: I carried on with my days as my desired identity (embodiment).
It didn’t mean that my triggers vanished right then and there, that the obsessions immediately disappeared, or that there was no urge to engage in compulsions. However, it did mean that, whenever a trigger (experience) presented itself, I stayed on my conscious train of thought (despite the unconscious thoughts of fear popping up, conscious thinking =/= unconscious thoughts), allowed myself to feel everything I felt during that experience (including the anxiety that I used to be used to feeling during it), and stayed on my desired course of action. ERP is behavior-based (then extending to change feeling and thinking), so it can be beneficial to initially focus chiefly on behavior.
Last thing before I go is that it may be helpful to identify your OCD cycle (trigger-obsessions-compulsions). From what you typed: “excerpt from original post voluntarily removed to protect the privacy of the poster, although it is a public group (trigger), excerpt removed (obsessions). Excerpt removed (anxiety, hyperawareness of surroundings due to perceived danger). Excerpt removed (compulsions).”
Dissecting the cycle lets you pinpoint the behavior you want to replace. It seems to me that (correct me if I’m wrong), in an attempt to “act normally”, you may be slightly altering your behaviors so that they are “more normal”, when they actually were normal in the first place (but the obsessions and anxiety led you to believe otherwise). Also, recognize if there may be any mental compulsions you may be engaging in, such as trying to push the unwanted thoughts away or trying to replace them with other thoughts (like compulsively reminding yourself of your values and intentions). Whatever the case may be, the approach I would take is the one I have mentioned previously (desired identity embodiment): not going out of your path to get rid of the what ifs (seeking outer safety), but staying in your path to welcome what is (finding inner safety). Without you noticing, because you are so focused on what really matters to you (what you do want), the hyperawareness fades away.
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